Thor/Loki, AU
Hurt/comfort, angst, fluff,
(everything you need in a short novel)
Trigger warning: aggression, death, felony
Okay, bear in mind that I know very well this story is nowhere near perfect, nor is it good even, however I did start translating all my stories so I had to do so with this one as well.
I wrote this when I was like 14 or 15 or something? Therefore I ask your outmost respect and forgiveness. There are parts you can still enjoy, I suppose. (It's really not that bad.)
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1. I’m like a black cloud, loving like a storm
Everything Loki’s ever known about love is that it had to hurt. If it hurts you and those you love, then you’re doing it right. Love doesn’t need to be talked about ‒ you’re feeling it anyways, the painful torment is there in your heart.
So Loki, whenever he could, tried to avoid falling for someone. He didn’t understand why were Thor’s friends, Thor, or people in general so masochistic: living happily with their fathers, mothers, playing carelessly with their siblings, waiting and yearning for love… and then spending their whole lives in love, with this terrible, bitter feeling in their hearts.
But however hard he tries to avoid it, Loki has to realize over and over again that there is still someone, he still loves someone.
And he knows it’s Thor, he feels it’s Thor; Loki should push him out of his life as well, and then he could be truly happy. Only he can’t break free from Thor ‒ as if an invisible chain was binding them together, Loki has never been able to leave his brother behind: he always returns one more time, then he curses himself for it. He can’t believe that a brotherly bond (one that has nothing to do with blood!), can be so strong in his heart, therefore he keeps on testing his boundaries, keeps on trying, and at one point ‒ he hopes ‒ he can manage to let Thor go.
“Brother,” he hears Thor’s voice, “come to the roof. The others are waiting.”
And Loki goes, even though the “others” don’t really interest him. But if Thor calls, he goes, he follows him anywhere, blindly ‒ and he hates it, and he wants to get rid of it.
“Here’s the lost boy,” Fandral greets him as he gets up to the roof.
Loki nods to the people and sits next to Thor who has settled down by then at the end of the line his friends formed. Volstagg throws a beer to Loki. They all are scanning the sky.
“What are we looking for exactly?” Loki asks with uncertainty in his voice.
“There are supposed to be shooting stars tonight,” Sif says.
“We’re looking for stars,” Hogun clarifies.
“Which are shooting,” Volstagg adds. “No, wait, what‒”
“Aha,” Loki nods. He takes a sip from the beer and leans on Thor.
Chicago is deep gray now, only the moon and the lamps on the streets give some light to the night life. The sky’s cloudless darkness is covered by small white freckles. Everything seems so still.
“I don’t think we’re the only ones in this whole world,” Sif says. “There must be life somewhere else too.”
“There must be,” Hogun approves. “It seems likely that this huge place is not only inhabited by us, humans.”
Loki hums. “I think there are multiple universes, and in each one, people think they can’t be the only ones there but really, they are alone in their own universe, and everyone knows only their own universe, and not even entirely, and‒”
“And it’s so scary and comforting,” Thor finishes. He smiles at Loki.
Loki smiles, rather to himself though. “Yes.”
Sometimes he thinks this is what love is like, maybe it doesn’t have to hurt after all.
Thor puts an arm around his waist.
Loki grabs, scratches, Thor caresses, kisses; Loki’s aggressive, demanding, Thor’s gentle, careful; Loki’s quick; Thor’s slow.
Loki shouts. Thor moans.
Loki breathes strongly. Thor snores.
Thor hugs. Loki lets him.
Thor always wakes up before Loki. He goes to the kitchen, makes coffee and some toast. “Butter,” he writes on a post-it and sticks it to the fridge, and puts jam on the slices.
They’ve been doing this for some time now: they call each other brother, they act so too, then, when they are finally alone in the safety of their apartment, they hug and kiss and relieve the tension and secret-keeping of the day.
And they don’t talk about it. That’s like an unspoken rule.
Loki trudges out from the bedroom and heads to Thor’s direction. He grabs a toast, then looks up resentfully. “Jam?”
“We’re out of butter.”
Loki sighs and eats the toast. “So much for the diet.”
“You’re like a skeleton anyways.”
“It sure looks so from up there, mountain.”
Thor puts his muscular arms around Loki and gives a kiss to his lips that tasted like strawberry jam. “I see what I see. And I see you’re beautiful.”
“Oh, cut it. Diet stays.”
Thor likes these sweet moments when Loki’s happy. Thor only wants Loki to be happy in his whole life but it feels as if his brother was trying to resist it with all his might.
‒ Fandral
Loki has seen the message.
Loki doesn’t want to admit to himself that he’s jealous.
Thor goes to the date because he doesn’t have any other choice ‒ the girl works at the bar, he would meet her at one point anyways, as that place is their place ‒ but he ensures Loki nothing is going to happen. Loki says he should do as he pleases.
Loki knows that he and Thor are brothers, even if not by blood. Their friends know that too. Everyone knows.
They also know that Thor, although being a grown man, has never had a girlfriend.
One day Thor gets home in a quite annoyed mood, almost sad even.
“I guess I’m going to be dating Jane,” he announces.
And then the volcano erupts.
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2. My monsters are in my heart, not in my head
“I told you, do as you please.”
“But I see you’re angry.”
“Why wouldn’t I be! I don’t have any say though.”
“I must do it, Loki. I must at least pretend like I have any kind of love life. It’s really important for Fandral. In fact, as I see, it’s really important for everyone in our friend group.”
“I’ve told you we’re not together.”
“Brother‒”
“Don’t call me that.”
Loki looks at Thor for the first time since the man announced his date. His eyes are flashing with danger, they radiate pure anger, some revenge and something indeterminable but quite horrible. Thor fears Loki for the first time in his life.
“You know damn well I’m not your brother, Thor,” Loki speaks ominously, slowly. “I’ve never been and I’m never going to.”
“What should I call you then?”
“Call me by my name or somebody else’s, call me a piece of shit, a bad person. Call me somebody, call me anybody, call me everybody… You know what? Call me nobody.”
And with that, Loki storms off to his room like a wrathful tornado, and Thor doesn’t see him for days after that.
Thor knows it wouldn’t do any good to knock on the door, or beg for him to come out, to talk about it ‒ that can’t be done with Loki, he needs some time to rage, then he calms down. Thor knows Loki doesn’t speak about his problems. He’s the “sweep it under the carpet and it will pass” kind.
Weeks have passed. Thor hasn’t seen Loki.
He did see Jane though. They went on three dates. He learned she wanted to become some kind of physicist, and she works at the bar beside the university as a desperate way of earning some money. She was sweet, a bit flighty though, and she was always very awkward around Thor for some reason. Although he did find that sweet as well, he wasn’t looking for that unfortunately. Thor rather preferred to be in confident hands, with confident people, just as himself.
Thor realized he felt the same towards Jane as he did towards, say, Sif or Fandral ‒ she might be a good friend once ‒ but he went with the flow, only to let his friends calm down, while he was persistently worrying about Loki and their relationship or whatever it was between them.
On his sleepless nights he wondered a lot about the two of them. What to call this? They aren’t brothers, Loki was right about that, however hard it hit Thor. No, it’s more than that… Lovers? He wasn’t even sure they loved each other as lovers do. It sure can’t be called a romantic relationship; nobody knew about them, and they haven’t even had a single normal conversation, one that couples should have. One night stand? There were more than one night… Casual partners? It sounds like if they didn’t love each other, like if it was just sex. Thor’s sure they love each other in some way.
Finally, after many nights spent on debating, Thor decided he can’t decide. None of the titles were good enough ‒ and why should this thing have a name anyway? Couldn’t this just stay this, undisturbed?
No, Thor admitted, it couldn’t. He himself pushed and broke and stepped on this ideal picture by dragging Jane into it.
Then Thor realized it wasn’t entirely his fault. If there wasn’t Jane, there would’ve been someone else, Fandral wouldn’t have stopped until he found a “perfect girl” for him, or Loki would’ve got a boyfriend, or girlfriend, who knows ‒ they couldn’t have kept this thing up forever, it would’ve got suspicious.
And they are brothers.
They could never have told anyone.
They can never tell anyone.
At least not here where people know them.
And then Thor had an idea.
He beats the door with his fists. “Loki!”
The door cracks under his strong hits. “Loki, come out! I’ve got an idea. We can start a new life‒”
Thor turns the doorknob. He expects to find it locked, as always when Loki was angry, but it opens smoothly, letting Thor in.
Unusual tidiness welcomes him in the room, Loki’s piles-of-clothes bombs have disappeared, and the whole place seems rather lonely and empty in a way.
And the most important thing is: Loki’s not there.
Thor understands and feels a sudden wave of sadness.
Loki’s left. Loki’s left him.
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3. Sometimes I think this love is sweet,
Thor was out of himself. He ravaged Loki’s room, searched for clues that might indicate where he had gone, but all this seemed resultless.
Thor roared with all the force of his lungs, then he fell to his knees and started sobbing in the middle of the dark room.
When the uncontrollable waves of crying became rather controllable, he called Jane to set up a date. When he met her, he reckoned he told her things like “they were living in two different worlds,” and “it’s not you, it’s absolutely me” (followed by Jane laughing bitterly and telling him not to break up with her using that cliché, to which Thor said he didn’t know it was a cliché and apologized), and he also said “I’m sorry,” even though he wasn’t.
After that, Thor went home and felt utterly alone.
He waited and waited, without a moment of stop, impatiently, miserably, longingly, penitently; he kept looking in the direction of the empty room but he never got up to go in ‒ and Loki hasn’t come back…
“Brother,” Loki called, “let’s take a walk.”
They always go to the forest, as that can be quite calming to the tired mind and heart. They were chatting and scaring the wild animals with their loudness on the way. They were doing this almost as a hobby. They were rather good at it by now.
Then, when they were far in enough, Loki stopped in front of Thor and kissed him.
That was their first kiss together.
There were rumors about Loki that stated he often spent his time with men instead of women but Thor didn’t believe it. Or he didn’t dare believing it ‒ however, the young man he was back then, he wasn’t suspecting that. Back then the cunning network of human feelings won over him.
“What… what was that?” Thor babbled.
“A kiss.”
“Why?”
“Why not?”
“Was it good?”
“Well… yes.”
“Then come here,” Loki pulled him closer.
They kissed again and again, and then once more, and once again, constantly, they didn’t stop; they moved out from their father’s and rented their own apartment so they could do this anytime, so they could kiss, then they started doing other activities as well, slowly exploring each other. But they never talked about it. And none of them ever had anyone else besides each other.
Thor finds the door of Loki’s room closed. His whole body starts shaking, even his smile. His heart is thundering in his chest when he knocks three times on the door.
Loki opens it. He looks up at Thor with a puzzling look.
Thor sighs deeply and suddenly decides to give Loki a huge, tight hug. He only lets go of him when Loki starts whimpering.
“You’re home,” Thor smiles.
“Wasn’t Miss Jane a satisfying enough company?”
“I broke up with her.”
Disbelief appears on Loki’s face but also relief and a latent, suppressed smile.
“Jane was never as important to me as you are, Loki.”
Thor steps closer and cups Loki’s face with his huge hands.
“I had an idea,” he says.
“What?” Loki whispers.
“We could leave, but together this time. We could start a new life and nobody would know we’re brothers or what.”
“See, you’ve got very good ideas every once in a while.”
They proceed to pack their stuff that day, wasting no time, then they lie on the couch with their bodies intertwined; Loki, with his leg on Thor’s, is playing with the blonde’s long, soft hair while Thor strokes the laptop’s touchpad, buying plane tickets.
At this point, Fandral storms in.
And he passes out almost immediately.
4. But then life goes on.
Well they didn’t think it would go this way.
Thor thought they’d leave quietly at sunrise. Maybe he would’ve written a touching letter to his friends detailing how they shouldn’t search for him or call him ‒ they should instead make peace with his decision, accept it: leave it be and forget him. He believed in this. Who would stop them? They were free men, they could do whatever they pleased. Florida, New York, California, he wanted to go somewhere famous. Loki wasn’t too fond of hot, beachy cities, he voted for Manhattan. Finally, they agreed on a middle ground: somewhere in New York. Once the plane would land, they would get a room in some motel and decide where to live. You can never go wrong with deciding spontaneously, Loki states. Thor is already booking the tickets when he gets interrupted by the sound of the door opening.
He looks at Fandral with a smile. Fandral’s jaw drops to the floor in shock.
Then, within a matter of seconds, his whole body drops to the floor.
“Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.”
“He’s been calling his god since he came around. If we’re expecting someone, let me know, I’ll set the table.”
“Loki! He’s in shock. Maybe we should call an ambulance.”
“Oh, he’ll be fine. Just a matter of years, as I see.”
“Not funny.”
“Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.”
“Shit, we’re this good at hiding?”
“I thought everyone saw right through us.”
“Oh my God.”
“It’s called guilt.”
“But I wasn’t ashamed. I couldn’t be ashamed of you.”
“You did something bad nevertheless. That’s when my good ol’ buddy comes, guilt.”
“You weren’t feeling this?”
“I didn’t care. They’re your friends.”
“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.”
“What should we do, Loki?”
“I suggest leaving him here and getting on that plane now.”
“We can’t leave him here alone, frightened!”
“You asked for my opinion.”
“Let’s wait some more, you know, perhaps.”
“Jesusjesusjesus.”
“Look! He knows synonyms.”
“It’s a good sign, Loki, I think he’s coming to his senses.”
“JESUS.”
“And I think he’s hallucinating. He sees Jesus.”
“You two… Jesus.”
“No, it’s Loki and that’s Thor.”
“Loki!”
“What?”
“So you… you, uhm. Okay, deep breath. I’m fine. Guys, this is not okay. Are you together?”
“I suppose, something like that.”
“Let’s face it, Thor, lots of sex with some emotion.”
“Ohmygodohmygod…”
“You enjoy driving people nuts, don’t you, Loki?”
“That’s possible.”
“Okay, Fandral, look, it’s not that bad as you think it is.”
“You’re brothers!”
“On paper.”
“You are though! What you’re doing is… bad, and, and, illegal! Now that I know… It’s a crime. I must call the police.”
“Don’t you even try, or else…”
“Loki!”
“Do you think I’ll let this little scum destroy everything we have?”
“So you’re threatening him? And when we leave? He can still call the police then. He won’t live in fear forever. Also, I know him, he can’t keep his mouth. Threatening him is not the solution, seeing as we want to leave Chicago.”
“We are not staying, Thor. I had enough of this place and your friends. And I will not stand by and watch Jane flirting with you in front of my eyes…”
“What shall we do then?”
“Thor! He’s got a phone!”
Everything happens awfully fast. Loki runs and jumps on Fandral. The phone falls from his hands. Loki starts beating him, pinching, scratching, punching with fists. Meanwhile he shouts “You ain’t calling nobody, you’re leaving us alone, hear me, you won’t ruin us, I’m happy, you get it, that’s it…” The man tries to defend himself, punching back, but his face is bleeding heavily.
Thor just stares and marvels, he never knew Loki could be so strong. Then he remembers himself, approaches and grabs Loki, urging him to get off of Fandral. “Loki, stop, Loki, that’s enough,” he says, repeats. No use. Although Thor is stronger than Loki, he can’t rip the man off from Fandral for a long while. “Loki, you’re killing him!” Thor shouts when, with one big, final jerk, he’s finally able to pull Loki away.
Fandral lies in a puddle of blood. No, it’s rather a whole pool. His eyes puffy, his nose in an unnatural position, his lips and face broken at places.
A few scratches, a black eye, nothing more on Loki.
Thor’s untouched.
Even though he knows it’s bad, he can’t stop himself from admiring Loki.
Thor squats and pushes two of his fingers to Fandral’s neck. Nothing. He stands up and kisses Loki fiercely.
“Should we call the police?”
“Do we have any other choice?”
“We can still leave.”
“He’s in our apartment, Thor. They’ll know it was me. And you, an accomplice. They’ll find us, wherever we go.”
“We can start a new life. We’ll change our names, disfigure our faces somehow…”
“You want to live this new life hiding from the police?”
“I know they’ll find us, Loki. But until then, let’s live our happily ever after. We haven’t done that.”
“You book the tickets, I’ll get the suitcases.”
Shortly after, they were already on a plane to New York. Loki’s head is on Thor’s shoulder as he is sleeping, and the blonde is listening to music while staring out the window.
They’ll change their names. Something basic would be wisest. He’ll cut his hair, maybe gain some weight. Sadly, Loki will have to cut his hair as well. Maybe a beard or mustache would look good on him too. They’ll buy a few hats. They’ll have to stock up some make up. With all the precaution, they’ll win at least a year, probably more. New York is big, it won’t be that easy to find two completely different looking men without names. Then they’ll rent a nice apartment. One bedroom, with a balcony. A king-sized bed in the middle of the room. They will be able to afford living well, they won’t have to save their money, they will be found soon anyways. They will be in prison and they will probably die there. They will have a nice life. Really.
Thor strokes Loki’s hair. Loki blinks with sleepy eyes.
“I have been thinking,” Thor whispers. “About what this is between us. Not a one night stand, not a romantic relationship, not a phase, sure as hell not a crime, then what? Well, I figured it out.”
“Tell me.”
“Love.”
It goes as Thor imagined it would. They rented a beautiful apartment with a spacious bath, balcony, a bedroom with a fascinatingly big bed in the middle of it. A trip to Ikea, and their furniture was all set. Loki was occupied with the bedside table for a while, then he gave up and put the parts back in the package. The floor was great, it creaked loudly near the entrance, in front of the balcony and at the bedroom’s door, so Thor was able to predict when Loki was going to scare him. They planted geranium in the pots on the balcony’s fence. There was a small unused piece of wall in the kitchen, they painted it with the colors of the rainbow to form stripes; it became rather lovely. At the same spot, a tiny piece of cheese was stuck on the ceiling. Loki got it there when the pizza he was flipping flew just a little too high. The pizza fell but some cheese stayed. Whatever, they left it there, it was the next resident’s problem after all ‒ they were too lazy for chores like cleaning the ceiling.
They are getting quite cozy here. They spend a lot of time together, just the two of them. They are exploring New York too, bit by bit, though they aren’t very brave yet to go outside too much, they tend to stay in most of the time for the sake of safety. They like living here.
A year passes by and the situation is still the same. Except that now they go outside. A lot. Freely. Happily. Their appearances have changed completely, probably just as much as their insides, but they could be recognized. This isn’t why they got braver, no. The thing is that they’re fine. They are living. Together. They wouldn’t mind now if someone on a corner called the police on them and they got arrested. It would be sad, really, however ‒ and they both think so ‒ even if they were to die at this very moment, they would be happy. They wouldn’t feel regret that they didn’t do something they should have.
Therefore, they walk on the streets carelessly, holding hands, with their chins up. They go to restaurants and cinema, they are working, they climbed on Lady Liberty, and their lives are moving forward.
Another year later, guilt starts to form in Thor ever so strongly. He talks to Loki about it but he can’t give any advice. “Forget it” is all he can offer. He doesn’t really care after all, he lets it go pretty fast ‒ however, his memories creep into his dreams: the way he was just standing, doing nothing, as he watched Loki beating his friend to death. And then he was admiring and kissing him. He remembers that passion. He was kissing Loki with love. Maybe he has gone crazy.
Three years after the incident and they still haven’t found them. Thor starts to feel liberated. Nothing will happen, no one will find out. They’ve got plenty of time. The idea of marriage comes to his mind. He proceeds to propose to Loki that year, and they begin to plan their wedding. It takes place in December. Luckily, they get a white winter, and they are both joyful as this results in gorgeous wedding photos.
The next year shambles: they pick Canada for their honeymoon destination. Thor makes some friends and Loki quietly loves the pine trees and coldness. In March, Sif calls Thor and they chat a little. Thor acts reserved with the woman, doesn’t say much. He hangs up as soon as he can. After that, he’s silent and nervous for a few days. In June, they decide on going on a holiday to a lake house in Michigan. They plan on staying for two weeks.
“Bold move,” Thor notes when Loki offers the idea. “That’s almost next to Illinois. They could find us.”
But then they agreed that it’s been four years since The Thing happened, they must have stopped looking. Anyway, what difference does it make? It doesn’t matter now whether they go to prison or not.
One day they run into Hogun by the lake. “Volstagg gets here tomorrow,” he says. He seems to want to chat with Thor but it doesn’t really work out. Thor is tense. Loki is cautious, they can’t see them together like that. Then at one point he interrupts with a “we should go, you know, there’s that… thing,” and Thor nods intensely before they start getting their stuff, and when they would walk away, Hogun touches Thor’s shoulder to stop him and looks into his eyes.
“You heard about Fandral’s death, right?”
“I have. It was four years ago, if I remember correctly.”
“Indeed. And you didn’t come to the funeral.”
“I had to do something else but believe me, I was mourning.”
“There were no news about his killer for a while.”
Thor looks in the direction of Loki nervously. “For a while?”
“A couple of months ago police announced they found a lead. The killer’s in New York. I just wanted to give you a heads up, you know, be careful, guys.”
Thor’s face goes softer. “Thanks, Hogun. We’ll be careful.”
And with that, Thor and Loki leave. They have a week left of their holiday but they pack their stuff and travel back to New York. They don’t want to face any old, unpleasant memories.
Arriving home, Loki proposes moving to Canada. They fly just a few days later; July is pretty beautiful there. They bought a cute little house. They would set up a Christmas tree in the backyard when the time came. The fence got a coat of a new green color, it looked pretty good. They painted Jim and George Smith on the mailbox with different colors to radiate a homey feeling. The house became white, the door and roof red. They brought most of their furniture with them from New York, and the ones that had to be replaced are made of dark wood. The house looks great all in all, it has a ‘typical Canadian’ feeling to it. They purchased new pillows, earth tones, brown, green, white, and some have cute texts on them. There’s one they bought two of, one for Thor, one for Loki, they have ‘I have a wife husband’ written on them. It’s amazing to live here too, maybe even better than New York.
In December, they set up a Christmas tree in the backyard just like they planned, they decorate it with lights and everything, it looks wonderful and radiates warmth. They celebrate Christmas happily. Loki is still not very good at gifts so instead he usually simply bought multiple small useful items; this time socks, a flannel shirt, a beanie, and a mug with cute knitted ‘clothing’ for keeping tea, coffee or hands warm, who knows. Thor printed their favorite photo together in big and framed it, which then got a place on the wall of the living room; and he also gave a necklace to Loki, that cliché one with the half heart, and he put the other half on his own neck.
Later, around the end of December, they are celebrating their anniversary. They are lying on the couch, intertwined, after an amazing sex, sipping champagne.
Same position and situation on New Year’s Eve. They are counting loudly with the woman on the tv, and once they hear one, they kiss each other. They are incredibly happy. Right after this, a knock on the door hits their ears. Thor goes to open it with a smile-grin and champagne in his hands. There are policemen outside. They want to arrest him. Thor doesn’t resist it. He’s smiling. Loki appears, as well as another handcuff. Thor sips the remains of his champagne, puts down the glass, kisses Loki once again, then surrenders to the police. They lead him away to a car. Loki gets seated in another car.
He, rather cunningly, hides his necklace when he gets searched and dressed in the uniform, and only puts it on again in his cell. He tucks it away beneath his shirt. He meets Loki again at lunch. He’s wearing his necklace as well. They sit next to each other and smile. “Forever,” Thor whispers. Loki grins and repeats it. They know they’ll get beat up here one day. Badly. If not, they’ll be here until they grow old. But it doesn’t matter now. They’re together and they’re happy.
Nincsenek megjegyzések:
Megjegyzés küldése
Gondolatok? Kritikák? Kérdések?
Kíváncsi vagyok a véleményedre! Ha szeretnéd megosztani, ne habozz. °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°